Here we are embarking on another change of season, autumn has arrived and last week I felt nothing but resistance and sadness to the colder weather and darker evenings. Being a spring person my inner voice wailed ‘I am not ready for the darkness again, it’s far too soon’. It doesn't really feel as though summer fully arrived this year does it and already we're moving on?
Here in the UK, we've had a few really warm days here and there and plenty of torrential rain and flooding thrown into the mix. One of the things I am working on is to embrace all seasons and I am conscious of getting outside, breathing in some fresh air and being in as much daylight and sunlight as possible. The leaves are changing colour, ready to fall which is stunning.
“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaving and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents are promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the Grace of a woman not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure.
You really are strong.
You really do have worth.
You learn and you learn.
And with every goodbye you learn.
”
It also didn't feel that we experienced summer as we were blindsided when our beautiful Billyboy cat was diagnosed with lymphoma at the end of May. If you have worked with me or if we've chatted online no doubt you’ll have met Billy. He was a big cat with an even bigger personality and loved nothing more than making his presence known. Regularly sitting on my desk and joining in with the conversations.
You don't choose animals, they choose you
Eight years ago Mr M and I rescued Billy and his sister Lola from a local animal sanctuary. They had been abandoned by their previous owners when they had had a baby.
Animals have an instinctive nature in that we don’t choose them, they cleverly choose us. We'd gone to the animal sanctuary with the intention to adopt two ginger cats. But as soon as I walked into their pen Billy came over to me, sat on my lap and settled down. As we were ushered in to see other cats I could see Billy and Lola patiently waiting at the glass door watching our every move. So I knew we had to go back and see them. Somehow they instinctively knew it was Mr M who needed a little more persuasion and quickly surrounded him and brushed up against his legs. Needless to say it didn't take long before our decision was made. We adopted them and they both came to live with us in their forever home.
We swiftly became a family of four, Billy and Lola needed a lot of tender loving care and rescued us just as much as we rescued them. When we moved to our current home Billy loved nothing more than being outside helping and watching me in the garden. This was his patch, with the abundance of wildlife on offer there was always a bird, mouse or squirrel to keep him entertained.
And so when we received the devastating diagnosis, yet again we were thrown into merely existing day-to-day, taking care of Billy, being with him, relishing the little time we had left all together and fulfilling our promise that we'd never abandon him.
Mr M and I both utterly heartbroken cradled our beautiful boy until he sadly took his last breath.
Life as we knew it ground to a halt.
Again.
During the last two years we've all been repeatedly letting go
Let go of someone or something.
Let go of loved ones.
Let go of careers.
Let go of relationships.
Let go of homes.
Let go of hopes and dreams.
Let go of habits.
Let go of what no longer serves you.
Let go of what was.
Let go. Clear. Release. Repeat.......
And so this summer enforced another life lesson upon us in letting go and simply trusting that all we could do was be with Billy, surround him with all the love and comfort we could and stay with him until the end came.
When we collected Billy and Lola from the sanctuary we made them a promise that we would never leave or abandon them. And our only comfort is that we didn’t ever break that promise. The lymphoma ravaged his body in three short months and when it was sadly time, we had absolutely no other choice but to let him go.
No one is immune from the cycles of life and loss. No one. And yet grief remains a lonely path
So of course following a loss we are submerged into grief. Grief can be triggered by all sorts of life changes – not only the death of a loved one and it isn’t something that can be avoided or ignored. There is so much we are all grieving for right now.
Grief is a personal unique journey that carries its own flame. We try to avoid talking about grief, because it is painful, dark and relentless. But the more we can talk about grief, the more others connect with our loss. Especially if they have suffered a similar loss.
A loss is also a sacred time, one to be acknowledged and honoured. As we move through grief, only then do we heal. And when the time feels right, eventually our inner strength sees us through and enables us to pick up the reins of our lives again. This is a slow process that needs as much time and space as it needs. It cannot be rushed.
I've stopped trying to fathom out why things happen how they do. I am learning to stop resisting change and to work on letting go and allowing life to take me where it will. I've stopped believing I have total control over my entire destiny. And in so doing I trust all will be well. My internal flame will reignite and bring me back to myself.
Eventually.
Let go. And let go some more
The first step is to decide to let go. Maybe you want to create a ritual or a ceremony. It is essential to do whatever feels right to you in the moment. Honouring your loss aids healing. No pushing or striving is required, just a deep trust in yourself and the powers that be that the wheels of life will continue to turn. Life will roll on.
When you let go and go with the flow you gently come back to life altered and armed with new inner knowledge and life lessons ready to take you onto the next chapter and life cycle. This doesn't mean you ever forget or get over your loss. You just find your way to live with your loss.
Let every new season teach you what it was meant to teach you
Somehow miraculously this week the energy has shifted. Can you feel it too? We are being called to retreat and go inwards once more and despite not being an autumn person, this week feels lighter and brighter. The new season is ready to unfold.
“We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves falls from us, revealing our bare bones. Given time, they grow again.”
So as the season shifts I am loving my new Seven Twilights candles to bring courage, wisdom, and strength, warm chai tea, cosy jumpers, my new journals and our brand new retreat and sanctuary space in the garden a.k.a “The Shed”.
The Shed is nestled at the bottom of our garden, currently being painted and feels the perfect retreat space for being together and watching the stunning golden sunsets as Mr M, Lola and I re-adjust to a very different way of living together now as our tribe of three.
And as for our beloved Billyboy, we all miss him desperately and know and trust his spirit lives on and remains here with us albeit just behind the veil.
I hope this season finds you well and that you too can let go of whatever you need to let go of.
Maybe, just maybe this Autumn won’t be quite so bad after all?!